Recent reports indicate that there is a new breed of killer on the loose. They refer to themselves as "crafters," "stampers," or maybe even "cooks," but the truth is they are on a mission: a Mission to Kill Peeps. They started as an innocent looking group of women with the supposed task of creating gifts for others. As you can see, they fill a jar with graham cracker crumbs (without revealing the violence used to create said crumbs), place bunnies ever so gently around the edges, add a touch of sugar and even pretty pastel M&M's. To add to the deception, once the jar is full of bait, they add a pretty ribbon and maybe a "handcrafted" label. Sounds so homey and gentle, doesn't it? The truth is they are CAPTURING the PEEPS and putting them into quarters so tight their very noses are pressed to the glass and air is difficult to find.
It's what happens next, in the private homes of these Peep Killers, that will make your stomach churn. In addition to handing these "GIFTS" to others, with the motive of enticing others to KILL THE PEEPS, some of these "CRAFTERS," a term we use loosely for these murderers, will actually SELL THEIR PEEP JARS for PROFIT! This is a highly offensive crime known as Peepstitution.
When the Peep Killers, or PKs as we in the media call them, open their jars, things get ugly. Warning: the following pictures may be inappropriate for lovers of Peeps to view.
First, they hang the Peeps upside down and taunt them with murder weapons. Somewhere, in a land far away, the Peeps maker is chanting, "Let my Peeple go!"
Without a care in the world for the feeling of the peeps, the entire jar is dumped thougtlessly into a bowl. As you can see, the Peeps are covered in dirt (what the PKs refer to as crumbs). Can you feel the terror for them? The look on their faces says it all.
Next, the torture begins. First, they are snipped into little pieces, leaving an eye here, a foot there. It is nothing short of a Picasso painting in the making.
Following this BOILING hot GREASE is poured onto the poor pitiful partitioned Peeps. PKs call this "adding melted butter" but we know what it really is.
As if to compound the pain, a dose of alcohol, under the pseudonym "vanilla" is poured on their wounds.
The PKs then slowly mix all of these parts together. They TELL the Peeps it is a carnival ride. Now, how they get the broken up Peeps to believe such tales is a mystery to us all. But wait, there's more. The lies continue as the peeps are sold a bill explaining that they are now entering a TANNING SALON! Like the proverbial frog in the kettle with the water slowly heating and killing the frog by comfortability*, the warmth draws the Peeps into the oven until they are burning hot and there is no relief in sight.
When they come out of the oven, they are BOILING mad.
The PKs will tell you the Peeps are just full of hot air at this point.
As the Peep mixture cools down, the PKs have perhaps their most heinous crime of all remaining. They cut the now melted and disintegrated Peeps into pieces and EAT THEM!!!
They have even been known to feed them to innocent children. Where is the Peep Defense League when you need them? What kind of SICK mind would feed HOSTAGES to CHILDREN?
If you have any knowledge of the whereabouts of members of the Peep Killers group, you are asked to immediately contact this number: 1-555-LUV-PEEP. The leader of this group is known to many as Peepella De Ville, but she also goes by the alias "Beth Hartley". The only picture we were able to find of her is from an old "Wanted" poster. As you can tell from the wear in this picture, she has been in this business for many years. We believe the buildings in the background are where she stores both Peep Supplies and WMPD (Weapons of Mass Peep Destruction). There is a reward of a years worth of M&M's for all information leading to the arrest of Peep Killers.
*Note, we are still looking for information about anyone involved in the boiling of frogs.
**Actual Peeps were harmed in the making of this blog post.
***Monatoniemaroni Sanantoniopalonimonello is the CEO of HOPE, Hunters of Peeps Executors, and is credited for finding aliases and points of interest in this case
